I was talking with my best friend, Monica, the other day. We went out to eat (at White Castle! Haha) and we were just hanging out in the car, talking about our relationships and whatnot. After a little while, she started asking me about when the last time I was happy. I said that I was truly, really happy with my first boyfriend. He was the first and only person who made me feel like life was worth living. (I don’t feel like that anymore; I went back to feeling like everything still sucks. Perhaps I’ll elaborate at a later time.) I explained to her a couple of things about how I perceive life and it was very bleak. When I told her how I felt for Mykyta (my first boyfriend. I just realized I never used his name here before), she said, “Ohhh, man. That’s why it took so long for you to get over him.” It’s been 2.5 years since he broke up with me and I only started to forget about him just recently. And by “forget about him,” I mean stop feeling sad, cuz I’ve been able to forget about him for a while, but I’d always relapse and feel depressed again. I feel somewhat guilty that I was thinking about him while with my last boyfriend, whose name is Andrew, but he played such an important role in my life and he doesn’t even know it. Monica didn’t even know of the impact that he had on me. When I told her about I see life and how he changed my perception of it (it went from being shitty to tolerable/worth living), she was just so surprised. I don’t share much information with people; I don’t really go into how I feel too much cuz I feel like most people don’t give a shit. I really told her a lot about myself that night. I mean, it really wasn’t — I wanted to blurt everything out because everything drives me mad and I feel overwhelmed by it all — but it was a lot more than I’ve ever told her before.

Anyway, during the conversation, as I said, we were talking about our relationships. I told her about Mike and how I’m going to see him in less than two weeks. I was talking to her about his weight and stuff, and how I was concerned about it with Andrew, too. To this, she was also surprised. She said, “Wow,” and said something about me thinking of relationships being long-term stuff… or something. It was a good thing she was saying. I don’t think she plans on having children. Getting married, maybe… but children? No. So of course, she wouldn’t have similar thoughts, like having children with debilitating illnesses and whatnot. She was very surprised to hear me talking about that kinda stuff. Like I said, I don’t talk to a lot of people about myself. Even though she’s my best friend and we’ve been best friends since we were like… 5, she still doesn’t know me that well. Anyway, I just thought it was funny how we see relationships. I look for someone to be with for life whereas she just dates to have fun, I suppose. Nothing really long-term.

Well, that’s all I really wanted to say. I don’t express myself very often (to other people). I’ll write about it; anyone can read about it or comment about it if they’re interested. But telling other people about it is a completely different thing. If I share it with someone, they could not be listening, so there’s no point. If people are reading about it, they’re doing it because they want to, because they’re interested or can relate. I guess I avoid wasting my time with someone who doesn’t care by keeping it all to myself and/or by writing it down instead. I let the reader decide if this is of any interest, instead of choosing who to tell it to; forcing it upon that person.

Plus, like I told Monica, Mykyta was the only person who I shared everything with (after a lot of convincing and coaxing) and he was very dishonest with me in the end, and disrespected me despite being in a relationship for 2.5 years.

It hurt me badly. I don’t trust anyone anymore (AGAIN). I would rather write/type it out for random strangers to read than waste my time confiding in someone who I think is close to me when all they’ll do is not pay attention or treat me like shit.