So I found out the last time I was at Mike’s (two weeks ago) that he hasn’t quit smoking weed entirely. It’s something that I REALLY don’t want to deal with. I was actually thinking about breaking up with him. Actually, it’s more like something I’m srsly thinking of considering. I told him I haven’t decided on anything yet. I wouldn’t talk to him when I found out, though. We were at his friend’s house and he was picking up weed for someone and while we were there, his friend handed him his bong. He turned to me and asked if I’d mind if he took a couple of bong hits. I didn’t look at him and told him to do whatever he wants. The rest of the time we were there, I talked and played Super Smash Brothers Melee with his friends, and ignored him. On the way home, he asked if I was okay. I said I was just tired. I really didn’t feel like talking to him about it. Or at all. When we got home, I took off my clothes, which reeked of cigarettes and pot, and got into bed. He crawled into bed next to me. I was in a bad mood, but also pretty horny, too, so I let him have sex with me. I probably shouldn’t even be typing this (I feel a little guilty), but unfortunately, that only lasted a few minutes. It was stupid. I should’ve just gone to sleep or masturbated. Afterwards, though, he knew I was still mad at him and it only made it worse that he left me unsatisfied. He asked me what it was. He knows what it is, but he wants me to say it for confirmation. I turned around and obscured my face with the blanket. He would tried to turn me around, but I was adamant and remained facing in the opposite direction.

When he decided that it was definite, that I wouldn’t talk to him, he left the room to talk to his brother. I threw on some pajama pants, a hoodie, and my sneakers and walked around his apartment building. I called my sister and talked to her for a little over half an hour. She said she wouldn’t like it either if her boyfriend was smoking pot. I told her about that whole thing about how I choose guys by asking myself if he’s someone I’d marry. I think of how things would be later on (see “Long term”) caring about his health and the health of my children. She was like, “Is he someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with?” I really wouldn’t mind. I don’t mean for that to sound so nonchalant. We have a lot in common, we enjoy each other’s company, we laugh at the same dumb things, and the list goes on. But that one thing could mess that up for me. I’ve been hurt enough to not feel so bad if I break up with someone or vice versa. I would feel bad, of course, but not SO bad. I would do it if I had to, and find someone else. I…don’t really like how I can say that about relationships, especially about this one because Mike means a lot to me, but more often than not, I have a more objective point of view. It’s like, “This is what the father of my children should be like, this is how he should treat me, etc. If there is something even SLIGHTLY wrong with him, goodbye.” Of course, I love him, but when I think of how this could affect our relationship or his health OR our kids’ — they are not consequences that I am willing to subject either of us (or our children) to. Better to nip it in the bud.

I also told her about my thinking about breaking up with him. I was saying how it was a good thing that I didn’t move in with him yet. He and his brother just moved into this apartment about a month ago and he asked me if I wanted to move in. We agreed that if I did, it wouldn’t be until next year. He thought I meant after Christmas, but I told him the other day that I registered for classes here at my school in NJ. I won’t be moving in for another half year then because school doesn’t end until May. He was upset about that. And I know it sounds bad that I mention that after saying that I want to break up with him, but I didn’t do it to spite him or anything. I did it because I’m almost done with my gen ends and I thought if I decide to move in with him, I could just study my major classes up there.

I walked around the building for about ten minutes and then sat down on a stairway for the rest of the duration of the phone call. I got a couple of messages from Mike while on the phone, in which he asked where I was and that he wanted to know if I was safe or not. I appreciated his concern, but I didn’t feel like talking to him. I started walking back to the apartment and got ready to hang up with my sister, who was getting ready to go out. I told her Mike was calling me anyway, so I had to go. As soon as she hung up, I switched to his call and he asked where I was. I said that I was right outside of the apartment and I could hear him through the wall. I hung up and he opened the door. He had his sneakers on and his keys in his hand. He hugged me and said he was really worried and he was on his way out to look for me. He said he didn’t know too many people in the building (implying that someone may have nabbed me while I was walking by and he wouldn’t know who the psycho is in his building). I said sorry, I was on the phone with my sister. He said it’s okay, he knows I need space, but he just wanted to know where I was. We sat down in the living room. He asked if I was ready to talk yet. I said yeah, but ended up not looking at him or talking again. It was one of the few times that that’s happened. He said we’ll talk later and told me that his brother is picking up something to eat (he requested that his brother bring home some pizza for us). We watched Eragon and then went to bed.

Eragon sucked, by the way. The only good thing about the movie was the fact that there’s a dragon and Jeremy Irons is in it. As usual, John Malkovich is an American in a land where everyone else has some sort of European accent, and he doesn’t try to fake it (see The Man in the Iron Mask, Beowulf, and a few others. Johnny English is probably the only movie I’ve seen where he fakes an accent, but does a bad job of it. I heard it was deliberate, but who knows? Maybe that’s the reason why he doesn’t try to fake accents). I think most American actors, if they can’t fake the accent in the country they’re supposed to be in, will fake a British accent (so it sounds like they come from SOMEWHERE in Europe, or so they at least [try to] sound cultured). For example, look at Drew Barrymore (ick) in Ever After. The movie takes place in France, she’s the daughter of a Frenchwoman, but she has a phony British accent. Hmm.

Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t try to mask his American accent in The Man in the Iron Mask. Jeremy Irons doesn’t either, but that’s okay because he’s Jeremy Irons (and he has a British accent, which is okay in my book).

Anyway, Mike said he didn’t lie to me, but it’s something he does maybe like every two months or so when he stops by his friend’s house after a long day of work, just to wind down. In my head, I was like, “Every two months? Hello?! We’ve only known each other for five, six months!” Ugh.

Well, I’m still deciding what to do. I’m also bored. Ending this here.