Oh, I didn’t even mention the most important part yet: I broke up with him.

So now I’m single again. That was probably the shortest and maybe the best relationship I’d ever been in.

It breaks my heart to know that he wouldn’t quit smoking because of me. He just said that it’s part of who he is. He’s a live-life-to-the-fullest kinda guy and, unfortunately, part of that is getting high every now and then. I expressed to him my concerns about his health and whatnot, but apparently my love for him isn’t enough to have him quit permanently. He would rather us break up because of differing values than to quit smoking for the love as his life, which he said I was about a week ago, when we started discussing his habit again.

My mom came into my room while I was breaking up with him and, unfortunately, this whole conversation was done through text messaging, so she didn’t know I was in the middle of something important when she walked in. She didn’t notice until she saw my face, all red and puffed up. Oh, and when I asked her to leave. Anyway, I really didn’t want to do it through texts, but we were texting while we were at work, talking about how I was feeling about our relationship. Then, when we both got out of work, we continued texting and we ended up saying maybe this relationship isn’t going to work and I said we should just end it. I saw from his texts that he didn’t want to give up smoking, but he was more than willing to let our relationship fall apart because he wants to get high. It was a very easy break up. I mean, it went smoothly. He didn’t put up any kind of fight or anything. It saddens me to see finally see what he values most.

After I was done, my mom said she was proud of me. My family has a couple of druggies, including my immediate family. People like that don’t change unless they have to. My dad had been smoking since he was young (my mom said while we they were dating, and they started dating when they were 15) and he had to quit a few years ago because he was having trouble breathing; he was wheezing and coughing a lot. He was also suffering from paranoia. He went to see a psychiatrist and s/he told him it’s time to quit. I told Mike that people don’t quit unless something causes them to, like if they have a terminal illness or they had a near death experience. Otherwise, “regular” people change because they realize they’re getting old or they want to get married and/or have kids or something.

He said he doesn’t have the same mentality as me (see my post titled “Long Term“), and maybe he never will. But he said he’s still young, maybe he’ll grow. I said if he grows, if at all, it won’t be until later in life. I didn’t say it straight out, but I’m not going to wait until then. So I said we should just break it off now.

I swore after my last boyfriend that I wouldn’t be dating for a long time after that, but instead, I broke up with him to be with Mike. This time, I really am going to stop for a while. I really don’t think I can deal with another relationship any time soon. Meeting new people, learning about them, meeting family and whatnot — sometimes it’s feels like more of a chore.

I’m going up to his apartment once more to get my things. I’m also going to give him the shirt I bought for him for Christmas. It was a size too small and I had to exchange it for him. I had to order it off their website, though, and their free shipping method takes like 8 business days. Anyway, it should be here today. I’m going to just take my bag — with just his shirt in it, none of my things since I’ll be just going there and coming back — and fill it with my things when I get to his place. I need to get a DVD box set back from his parents. I also lent him Entourage season 3, parts 1 and 2 this past weekend. I was going to break up with him then, but I was hopeful that maybe this would work out. ANYWAY, I guess I gotta get that back. I have to give him his keys, too. He made me a copy of his keys a few weeks ago.

I feel bad because his family is so nice and I think he’s really awesome.

I wonder if he’ll realize exactly what he’s trading our relationship in for and whether or not it’s really worth it.

So… I guess that’s it.

The End.

When he decided that it was definite, that I wouldn’t talk to him, he left the room to talk to his brother. I threw on some pajama pants, a hoodie, and my sneakers and walked around his apartment building. I called my sister and talked to her for a little over half an hour. She said she wouldn’t like it either if her boyfriend was smoking pot. I told her about that whole thing about how I choose guys by asking myself if he’s someone I’d marry. I think of how things would be later on (see “Long term”) caring about his health and the health of my children. She was like, “Is he someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with?” I really wouldn’t mind. I don’t mean for that to sound so nonchalant. We have a lot in common, we enjoy each other’s company, we laugh at the same dumb things, and the list goes on. But that one thing could mess that up for me. I’ve been hurt enough to not feel so bad if I break up with someone or vice versa. I would feel bad, of course, but not SO bad. I would do it if I had to, and find someone else. I…don’t really like how I can say that about relationships, especially about this one because Mike means a lot to me, but more often than not, I have a more objective point of view. It’s like, “This is what the father of my children should be like, this is how he should treat me, etc. If there is something even SLIGHTLY wrong with him, goodbye.” Of course, I love him, but when I think of how this could affect our relationship or his health OR our kids’ — they are not consequences that I am willing to subject either of us (or our children) to. Better to nip it in the bud.

I also told her about my thinking about breaking up with him. I was saying how it was a good thing that I didn’t move in with him yet. He and his brother just moved into this apartment about a month ago and he asked me if I wanted to move in. We agreed that if I did, it wouldn’t be until next year. He thought I meant after Christmas, but I told him the other day that I registered for classes here at my school in NJ. I won’t be moving in for another half year then because school doesn’t end until May. He was upset about that. And I know it sounds bad that I mention that after saying that I want to break up with him, but I didn’t do it to spite him or anything. I did it because I’m almost done with my gen ends and I thought if I decide to move in with him, I could just study my major classes up there.

I walked around the building for about ten minutes and then sat down on a stairway for the rest of the duration of the phone call. I got a couple of messages from Mike while on the phone, in which he asked where I was and that he wanted to know if I was safe or not. I appreciated his concern, but I didn’t feel like talking to him. I started walking back to the apartment and got ready to hang up with my sister, who was getting ready to go out. I told her Mike was calling me anyway, so I had to go. As soon as she hung up, I switched to his call and he asked where I was. I said that I was right outside of the apartment and I could hear him through the wall. I hung up and he opened the door. He had his sneakers on and his keys in his hand. He hugged me and said he was really worried and he was on his way out to look for me. He said he didn’t know too many people in the building (implying that someone may have nabbed me while I was walking by and he wouldn’t know who the psycho is in his building). I said sorry, I was on the phone with my sister. He said it’s okay, he knows I need space, but he just wanted to know where I was. We sat down in the living room. He asked if I was ready to talk yet. I said yeah, but ended up not looking at him or talking again. It was one of the few times that that’s happened. He said we’ll talk later and told me that his brother is picking up something to eat (he requested that his brother bring home some pizza for us). We watched Eragon and then went to bed.

Eragon sucked, by the way. The only good thing about the movie was the fact that there’s a dragon and Jeremy Irons is in it. As usual, John Malkovich is an American in a land where everyone else has some sort of European accent, and he doesn’t try to fake it (see The Man in the Iron Mask, Beowulf, and a few others. Johnny English is probably the only movie I’ve seen where he fakes an accent, but does a bad job of it. I heard it was deliberate, but who knows? Maybe that’s the reason why he doesn’t try to fake accents). I think most American actors, if they can’t fake the accent in the country they’re supposed to be in, will fake a British accent (so it sounds like they come from SOMEWHERE in Europe, or so they at least [try to] sound cultured). For example, look at Drew Barrymore (ick) in Ever After. The movie takes place in France, she’s the daughter of a Frenchwoman, but she has a phony British accent. Hmm.

Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t try to mask his American accent in The Man in the Iron Mask. Jeremy Irons doesn’t either, but that’s okay because he’s Jeremy Irons (and he has a British accent, which is okay in my book).

Anyway, Mike said he didn’t lie to me, but it’s something he does maybe like every two months or so when he stops by his friend’s house after a long day of work, just to wind down. In my head, I was like, “Every two months? Hello?! We’ve only known each other for five, six months!” Ugh.

Well, I’m still deciding what to do. I’m also bored. Ending this here.

My mom is so fucking ridiculous. On my way to Boston (I took a bus), she texted me and asked me if I’m on the pill or am I going to use a “raincoat.” I don’t know why she just couldn’t say condom. I mean, she didn’t sugarcoat “the pill” at all and call it a piece of candy. I called my sister to tell her that my mom called condoms raincoats and we LOL’d about it for a few minutes. And then when she hung up, she texted me, telling me that my mom overheard her talking to me and she wants to know what I said. LOL. So fucking ridiculous. As if it’s any of her business. I’m not embarrassed by that shit, but WHY should I tell her? She wants to know every little fucking detail — who I’m going to be with, when I’m going to be back, where I’m going — and now she wants to know what form of contraception I’m using? LOL. She’ll have a heart attack when she nears that I haven’t been using any, lawl. I know, it’s dumb, but I don’t have sex often enough to be on birth control or to carry around condoms.

Anyway, yeah. It’s not any of her business. I’ll tell everyone, BUT my mom just because she’s so fucking nosy and fucking paranoid and overprotective. I have no qualms with doing shit to just to spite her. No one is excused. Everyone’s the same. Just cuz you’re my mom doesn’t mean you get any special treatment. Sometimes, maybe, but to me, you EARN respect. My dad’s a douche and he thinks that we have to respect him because he’s our dad. I’m not going to respect an asshole who doesn’t deserve it. My mom doesn’t really understand that I treat everyone pretty much the same, so if I snap back after one of her or my dad’s ridiculous comments, she goes insane. I hate how parents try to hold it over your head that they gave you life, they supported you, blah blah blah — just so they can get you to do what you want. Hello? Did I ask to be born? I think life is pretty shitty anyway, so it’s not like they were doing me a favor. It’s like they think they just released me from captivity or saved me from impending DEATH or something, and I should be grateful and accept their irrational behavior or faulty logic.

But anyway…

Mike. This weekend was GREAT. There were far less text messages and phone calls than when I went the last time (but I still ignored whatever I got anyway). Mike’s family is SO nice. They’re all so friendly. When I first went there, Mike told me that his mom said I’m pretty and I have nice skin, LOL. His sister and I get along pretty well; we have a lot in common. It’s mostly the stuff that Mike and I DON’T have in common, haha. We have a lot of common interests, but there are some things that we don’t. And it’s like all of that stuff is the stuff that his sister likes. For example, when I first went there, we talked about Harry Potter and Pirates of the Caribbean. This time, we were talking about their homing pigeons. Mike’s dad and sister race homing pigeons. I’m not particularly fond of pigeons, but I’m interested in animals and stuff, so we talked about that for a while. Oh, and her other pets, too. They have rabbits, turtles, fish, and I forget what else. They used to have a dog, but they have to put him down about two months ago. D: I mentioned this before.

I haven’t really talked to his dad a whole lot. Since this weekend wasn’t really a planned thing, I was expecting Mike to work Saturday and Sunday (which he always does; his two days off are Thursday and Friday. Unfortunately, I have the weekends off). I was going to try to spend some time with his mom. Mike said that she was going to invite me to go to this lake with her and her sister (and Mike’s cousins). However, on Saturday night, when Mike was on break, he called me and he said he had a surprise for me. When he came home later that night, I was asleep on the couch, and he leaned over me and kissed me. For some reason, this weekend, I couldn’t feel him when he did things to me, but I woke up a few seconds after because I sensed that there was someone standing near or over me. And he startled me. It was so weird cuz I’m usually not like that. When I opened my eyes, I opened them wide and I did it quickly. I also jumped. Or recoiled, I mean. I don’t know how to say it in a way that doesn’t sound bad. I think cringe is an even worse way of saying it. I just kinda twitched or whatever. Anyway, he kissed me, but he I didn’t feel like. It was pretty weird cuz I usually wake up really easily or if I don’t wake up, I’ll be half asleep and I’ll be aware of what’s going on in the room. But I didn’t feel the kiss and I woke up a second later because I could feel that someone was standing there. I did the eye-opening thing and jumped. He apologized for scaring me. Later, he asked if I’m a deep sleeper cuz I didn’t feel the kiss or feel him when he caressed my arm (which is what he did the second time he startled me). I don’t know what was going on. There was a delay or something. Or maybe he just didn’t touch me hard enough for it to register. ::shrugs:: ANYWAY, after I woke up after the kiss, I kissed him and we hugged and he told me what his surprise was: he managed to get Sunday off. We had the whole day to ourselves. :D

My parents kept harassing me to come home on Sunday cuz they weren’t sure that I’d get home on time for work on Monday. I did. I got back with about two hours to spare. But anyway, I told Mike that because he took Sunday off, there was no way I was going home till Monday morning. My sister said my dad was pissed, but fuck him.

Hmm. So, yeah. I didn’t get to spend too much time with his mom. I was going to if he was going to be working the whole time, but because he got Sunday off, I didn’t go to the lake with his mom and other relatives. We went to see the Simpsons movie together. It was really funny. We both agreed, though, that it was the kind of movie you could only watch once.

Well, that’s all I’m going to type for now. I’m really tired and I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow morning. Also, I have to do my laundry.

G’night.

Gotta catch the bus. Heading out to the city to take one of those buses from Chinatown (Fung Wah) to Boston.

Be back on Monday!

I really wish I could see him. It feels like it’s been so long since I have.

I told my mom about him today. I figured she kinda knew anyway cuz she always hears me talking on the phone with him and once when she was using my phone (cuz her battery died), he called my phone while she was ending a conversation with my sister. She saw his name. Anyway, she didn’t react the way I thought she would. She just asked me about him; what’s his ethnic background, is he tall, is he thin, what does he do for a living… kinda the questions you’d expect from an Asian mother (I will elaborate at a later time). She asked me if I met him already. I said yeah, when I went to “Boston.” She doesn’t know that I went to actually stay at his house. As far as she knows, I was staying at a hostel in Boston and we were just hanging out. Oh, and that I met his parents. I told her that I was telling her about him because he wanted my parents to know about him. She was asking me how serious the relationship was, cuz I mentioned that he considered moving closer once before (I don’t think so anymore; the store that’s in NYC is so hectic compared to what he’s used to) and she said that she and dad will meet with him if he transferred somewhere closer; at least she would know how serious he was.  I want them to meet him before then, though.  But at least she knows about him and I don’t have to make up something if I go visit him or if he visits me.  No tiptoeing around.

It was a little weird, the conversation.  I thought she was going to be pissed.  I guess it was cuz I was straightforward and maybe cuz he lives closer.  ::shrug::  Well, as long as she’s okay with it.  I may leave it up to her to tell my dad for now.  I don’t talk to my dad, really, and it feels awkward just thinking about how awkward the conversation will be, telling my dad that I’m seeing someone from CS.  Jebus.

Well, that’s all for now.  I’m going back to Mitsuwa to hunt for more stuff for my onigiri.  I also have to buy the rice.  I read that you HAVE to use short grain rice because regular long grain rice (which we have at home) doesn’t stick as well as the short grain rice, so it’s not as easy to mold.

G’night.

Well, while I was on the phone with him, right when I was going to tell him that I sent him an email (I knew he hadn’t seen it cuz he didn’t say anything about it to me on the phone and he didn’t reply to the email), he said, “I’m sorry for bringing this up right now, but –” and then he told me that he, too, didn’t go to sleep till around 3:30, 4 o’clockish because he was reading up about weed also. He read pretty much the same thing as me and he said he was disgusted with himself. He said that it’s exactly what I was scared of. He also said that there was a lot more information about it now than there was the last time he checked (and I’m going to say that that is probably just due to the search he did at the time. I bet it wasn’t much different then and there was still a lot of info on it, whenever that was) and he said that it’s just as bad as cigarettes. He said that two weeks from now, he’ll be completely done with it.

It made me so happy. I was smiling the whole time he told me that. I wish I were with him so I could hug him (and rape him… maybe), so he could see my reaction. I stayed quiet on the phone, though. I didn’t want it to seem like I was saying, “See?” or anything. Not that that was how I was feeling. I don’t act smug very often. I do in my head, though. Like all the time. But not without good reason… and not in this case. I was just happy.

He said that even though he’s doing it for me, he’s doing it for himself, too. I told him I’d rather him do it for himself than for me anyway. Like I said last night, I want him to stop because he wants to, because he sees that it’s better for him if he did. I just want him to be healthy. I don’t want to be with someone who’s going to be sick and dying 20 years before I die. I just always wanted to be able to share my life with someone and have it last as long as it could. I think I really want him to be that someone. It made me cry harder when he said that life is too short to hold back and whatnot, so that’s why he wanted to try new things (drugs and whatever). I don’t see WHY you would do that stuff then. If life is too short, why make it shorter? I seriously did not know what I was going to do about that situation if he didn’t want to stop smoking for his own sake.

He’s so amazing. I care for him SO much. I’m so glad that he’s doing this. Even if, for some reason, we don’t end up being together, at least I know he’s taking care of himself. Oh yeah, he told me that he signed up at the gym today, so he’ll be working out with his brother. His physical appearance makes no difference to me because I really, REALLY do love him, but it still makes me happy that he’s taking care of himself now. He said that he’ll be able to breathe better and stuff.

I have to do the same thing. I have to start jogging again.

On Sunday, I went shopping for ingredients for onigiri (rice balls) for my bento project. I went to Mitsuwa (a Japanese market) in Edgewater, but I can’t read Japanese… lol. I was so lost. I found the nori, but I couldn’t find any furikake or tonkatsu sauce (some of the recommended ingredients for a bento). Most of the sauces in the aisle were soy sauce or teriyaki sauce. I’m going to go back sometime (sometime after work during the next few days, or the weekend) and try it again. I told Mike that if I could, I’d make bentos for him, too. He said he’d like that. God, why can’t we live closer? I hate being so far away. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but I’ve been doing this for so long and I feel like this time apart is just a WASTE. T_T

I was only with him a week and a half ago. That was the LONGEST week and a half EVAR. It feels like it’s been a month already.

Well, that’s all for now. I’m going to read some more about bentos and maybe I’ll take a nap and go jogging tonight. It’s nice out today (yesterday was so shitty). We’ll see… afk.

I’ve always had a problem with opening up to people. When I get upset, I just keep everything bottled inside. I don’t tell anyone what’s going on (or I don’t tell the offender what’s going on — not right away anyway). It just gets worse when I start to cry. I just want to curl up into a ball and lay under my covers.

It happened just now. I was crying so hard and I just shut down. He hates it. He kept asking me if there was some way we could compromise — can I just see what it’s like when he’s high? If I don’t like it, he’ll stop. I would rather him not smoke at all, but I don’t want to tell him to stop for me. I want him to stop because he wants to, not because I want him to. I feel like it’s so selfish of me to tell/ask him to stop. I hate making people change or feel like they have to change for me. Anyway, I said maybe we could work something out. Maybe I just feel really uncomfortable with it because I’ve never been with someone who smokes pot before and it’s all still new to me. But then he kept wanting to know why I was crying so much; why I start to cry when we talk about him smoking pot. I was pretty sure that he knew the last time, when I mentioned my moral dilemma, but I guess he wasn’t really thinking about it or something. I repeated it in a way that I was sure that he would understand. It was very concise and to the point.

I said, “If you were any other guy, I would break up with you.”

I wasn’t really thinking of saying just that, but after that… I dunno, it really hit home with him and there wasn’t a need to say anything else. After a pause, he said, “So basically, you would break up with me if I were anyone else, but you don’t want to because I’m so awesome. Your morals say to break up with this kid, but your heart says…” and then I forgot exactly what he said at the end — but needless to say, it was something that meant “no.”

I couldn’t stop crying. I don’t WANT to break up with him, but I don’t want to that to be part of my life. It already has been for most of my life; my dad smokes pot. We — my siblings and I — didn’t REALLY know until sometime in high school. When we started to put things together, like my dad sitting outside in the living room alone late at night, the weird smells, the strange (unpleasant/uncomfortable) feelings we got from the strange aroma… it started to make sense. We didn’t know what pot smelled like, but we deduced from all the overwhelming evidence that the smell that permeated the house every night was the stench of marijuana. We began to recall things from our childhood (and I mean I was only a few years old) that also proved that my dad had been smoking for a while; I remember seeing a scale and some seeds. There used to be little packets of paper (to roll into cigarettes) laying around. I knew they were for cigarettes, but I didn’t really think about why my dad would have them when the cigarettes in the boxes already came wrapped. I used to play with the papers.

Back to what I was saying. I don’t want it to be a part of my life anymore. My dad isn’t my favorite person in the world. After I reached middle school, I started avoiding my dad. I used to always admire my dad and try to be like him. As a child, when I walked behind him, I used to step where he stepped. I used to pretend I was driving the car from the backseat. I would press down on an imaginary gas pedal when he accelerated and do the same for the imaginary brake pedal when he slowed down. I used to go with my dad when he walked our dogs; we used to climb this mountain of wood chips in the woods near our old house. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I’d see my dad watching tv and eating cereal. I’d grab a bowl and pour myself some cereal and watch tv, too. It was usually Pops. Anyway, once I reached a certain age, my dad started bothering me more about stuff like school and work. He was always on my case about stuff and verbally abusing me. I won’t go into it much more (right now), but I don’t talk to my dad anymore and there isn’t much of a relationship between us. I explained this to Mike and he thinks it’s terrible that my dad is like that. He and my mom feel bad that I have this kind of relationship with my dad.

ANYWAY, I always associate weed with my dad and maybe that’s part of the reason why I don’t like it. I’m sure another part of it is the brainwashing that I received while I was in high school about how bad drugs are and stuff. Well, although I think it’s a GOOD thing, they really try to scare kids into not using. I wonder how much of it is exaggerated; the exaggeration is why I said “brainwashing,” even though I advocate the whole “say no to drugs” thing.

Mike says (and I’ve heard this from other people, too) that marijuana is actually not as bad as cigarettes. I don’t know how true this is, but even if it is, I STILL don’t like the idea of people ingesting, injecting, or smoking stuff to make them feel good. The idea of willingly harming yourself (or doing things that could potentially harm you, or have some long-term, permanent effects like DEATH) just makes me think you’re stupid. I never felt the need to try to do these things. I know you could try a toxic substance and have pleasant experiences and you’ll be fine. But I know things could go wrong, too. Even if the chances of that happening were slim, I’d rather not do it at all because I don’t want to jeopardize my health. Plus I don’t feel like I need it and I certainly don’t want it. Any problems that I have, I can deal with and have dealt with just fine while I’m sober. I don’t need to find an escape through drugs. I never really thought about it until now, but I’m actually very content with just doing other activities. I like to lose myself in a book or spend time with someone very dear to me. I like long car rides and staring out the window. I like curling up under the covers, or just laying sprawled out and staring at the ceiling. I like taking walks. I can wind down doing anything that doesn’t require any physiological alterations. I like to think a lot (about anything and everything) so no matter what I do, I just end up thinking about everything and I try to rationalize everything, solve my problems, blah blah blah. I do get stressed out, but I don’t go nuts about stuff. I dunno. I don’t want him to be dependent on stuff.

Mike said that if I feel that strongly about him and about pot, he said he would quit. He said to give him two weeks. I said, “You don’t have to –” and he said yeah, he does. Then this is when I said that maybe I could get used to it; I’m just upset cuz I’ve never been with someone who smokes weed before. I felt retarded when saying this because I definitely don’t like the idea of being with someone who smokes pot, but I didn’t want to not try to compromise. He said if he had to pick between something he’s been doing for six years and something he’s been searching for for the last ten years (a relationship like ours), then he would pick us. I HATE this, though. I don’t want it to look like he has to pick between me and pot. I want there to be some middle ground (or, in this situation, that it was at least offered) because I don’t want to appear to be ruling over him. I don’t want to run his life and I certainly don’t want him to feel like I am. I just don’t know how to do that with this situation because I don’t WANT there to be a middle ground. I don’t even want there to be two choices either. While we were on the phone, he said there’s A) Mikey quits smoking, B) I break up with Mikey, or C) I keep an open mind and see what it’s like to live with him smoking pot. He said he definitely doesn’t want B, so it’s up to me to decide whether it’s going to be A or C. He said he would do A, but I can tell he also wants C. We agreed to discuss it more tomorrow since we have to go to bed. He actually went to bed an hour ago. I’m still up, obviously; I needed to get this out.

I’m so unsure about what to do. I love him so much; I’ve never met someone like him. I know I definitely don’t want to break up with him, but I’m torn between being “selfish” and just asking him to stop completely because I don’t like it (he still doesn’t quite see what I don’t like about weed; as far as he knows, I want him to stop because the D.A.R.E. program made me scared of it back in elementary school) and allowing myself to be with someone who does things that I don’t approve of. I know the latter will make me uber depressed. If I’m crying about it now, imagine what it’d be like when we’re actually physically together and he’s getting high. God.

Well, I really have to go to bed. I gotta be up in like… five hours (it’s 2:30 am). I’ll ramble more tomorrow.

I don’t really cook — I rarely do, actually. And making bentos sounds like a really fun place to start. They’re so cute. I plan on following the instructions on how to make a traditional bento. Sounds very healthy and I want to stick to a healthy diet. I’ve heard they’re filling, too, despite the size of the containers. I guess the size is kinda misleading.

Anyway, here are some more links about making bentos:

• http://mmmbento.livejournal.com/ – This is the LJ of the girl who runs Cooking Cute, which I linked in my previous post
• http://www.instructables.com/id/ETA92EIF35J1JYW/?ALLSTEPS – How to Craft a Bento
• http://www.geocities.com/tpkamsin/fbonigiri/onigiri.html – How to Make an Onigiri (rice ball)

I suppose they’re here mostly for myself since no one really checks this, haha. Oh well!

There are some items on eBay that I’m considering getting. Several auctions end tomorrow, so I still have a little bit of time to figure out what I want to get. They’re SO cute, omg. If I were living with Mike, I would make bentos for him, too, since he wants to lose weight. We could both eat healthy.

He wants me to live with him. He’s mentioned on more than one occasion that he wants us to be closer and, knowing my situation with my parents, he said that he wouldn’t mind if I stayed with him. He said he’d support me until I find a job. -_-;; I just started a new one this week, though, and I’ve been trying to get this job for a while. I can’t tell them I can’t work for them again. I want to be with Mike, though. But then I still have school, ugh! He said that maybe I should take a break from school, take some time to figure out what I want to do. I was thinking of that once before, but I don’t know. I feel like I should just get it done and over with… but then I also don’t know what I want to do anymore. Stick with biology or maybe go into computer science? If I do compsci, my current job will reimburse me for it since they also have an IT department. Oh man! I dunno what to do. I’m interested in science, but also computers. I’m so stuck. -_-

//Edit: Well, I started typing this last night, but I went afk. I told Mike about my interest in trying to make bentos. He asked me what I was doing last night (I actually went afk to talk to him on the phone, so I never really finished this entry.) and I told him that I was reading about making bentos. He laughed and said that it sounds like a cool idea. ^^

We started talking about the whole me moving in with him thing again last night. When I stopped talking for a minute, he asked what I was thinking about and I explained my trail of thought: I was thinking about how many weeks left until I get my period, then I was thinking of how many weeks it’s been since I got my allergy shots last (I didn’t make an appointment for my next ones — I’m due!), and then I was thinking that if I move up to live with him, I have to get my shots up there. And I told him that I don’t have health insurance either, which really sucks cuz I’ve been paying for my shots out of pocket for the last few months or so. They’re 225 bucks a pop! -_-;; He said that he doesn’t mind adding me to his insurance, which I think is REALLY sweet of him. It really shows he cares. ^^ But I said no. I dunno, I’m not comfortable with people paying for me and stuff. If he was my husband, that’d be different cuz we’d be making money to support ourselves anyway. He’s my boyfriend right now, though, and I’d feel guilty if we ever broke up and he felt like he wasted money on me or something. Oh, that brings up my other point — I think you have to be married to be added to someone’s policy. I dunno. That’s how it was with my friend when she got knocked up last year. She had to marry her boyfriend so she could be added to his insurance and then she could go to the doctor for her checkups (for the baby and whatnot). Anyway, as much as we love each other, I don’t think we’re ready to get married just yet. We actually never talked about it (yet, maybe). We’ve said we’re in love with each other and we’re talking about living together, but marriage has not come up so far. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, though, and I’m not complaining. I think it actually might be a little weird if we did start talking about it since we actually haven’t known each other for that long. Well, not weird, but FAST. How we feel for each other is one thing, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that because it’s not like our feelings are based on lust; they’re actually how we feel for each other, as people. We like each other’s personalities. In fact, we’re SO alike, it’s crazy. I love his personality. /me sighs. ^_^ <3 But anyway, yeah, how we feel about each other is one thing, but to bind ourselves to a lifelong commitment after knowing each other for such a short amount of time is a whole other thing.

Well, time to check eBay! The auctions end tonight! I’m so excited. I’m going to do some shopping this weekend and I’ll start making my own lunches starting next week. HOPEFULLY. I’m kinda a procrastinator. I really wanna start this, though. :P

//Edit: ANOTHER ONE. I could’ve sworn that there were more auctions ending tonight, but apparently there’s only one. The others still have another day or so. Meh!

I submit my incentive is romance
I watched the pole dance of the stars
We rejoice because the hurting is so painless
From the distance of passing cars
But I am married to your charms and grace
I just go crazy like the good old days
You make me want to pick up a guitar
And celebrate the myriad ways that I love you

Can you see what you’ve done to my heart
And soul?
This is a wasteland now

I love Interpol. ^^

I actually only typed the part where it starts from “I just go crazy like the good old days,” and ended at “I love you.” He asked me what “myriad” means. I told him. He asked me if that was directed at him. I said, teasingly, “maybe.” (It was.)

That whole part is my favorite part of the song.

While I was at his house this past weekend, I played this song on my iPod and I told him that it was the song whose lyrics I was typing out on cs. We were standing up in his room, in each other’s arms. Our foreheads were pressed against each other’s and were staring into each other’s eyes. I sang the song to him while we stood there. ^^;

I enjoyed it a lot more than I did with my previous boyfriends. Neither of them were very vocal about what they wanted and it made me feel awkward, so it wasn’t very pleasurable. Because I felt so in love with them (or the one anyway, since I only had sex with Andrew the one time), I didn’t mind it and I figured we had the rest of our lives for him to figure out what I liked, or there was always next time to explain to him how to do whatever. Mike told me what he liked and he asked what I liked. He made it known when I did something that made him feel good.

YEAH, so anyway. It was a very pleasurable experience and he’s an awesome person. He was crying so much when he dropped me off and during his ride home.

I’ve felt like I wanted to tell him I love him since like… the second week we started talking. It’s crazy. Throughout the whole time we were together, he kept telling me how I’m exactly how he thought I would be. He said he had no complaints about me and he says that he can’t believe that he found someone who’s so much like him. He keeps talking about how weird it is that we met on Counter-Strike. He said that he rarely talks to people in the server, but he decided to talk to me and look at how we ended up. Imagine if he decided to ignore me, like he does everyone else. He once asked me about my thoughts on fate. I don’t know if I already mentioned this here — feels like I have — but I told him that I wasn’t too sure yet. He said him, too. It sounds like he kinda believes in fate, though. I mean, if he didn’t before, it sounds like he does now. It really is uncanny how everything has worked out, though.

Anyway, on my second day there — actually, it was in the morning while we were getting dressed — Mike moved closer to me and put his arms around me. Or he stood in front of me and put his hands on my arms. He asked me if I’m okay with him being overweight… his belly, his man boobs — and then I cut him off before he said anything else. I told him I love him. And then I said I love all of him. And I do. Like I said before, it doesn’t matter to me. Someone’s weight makes me wonder whether I want to have kids with him or not, but it doesn’t matter when it comes to how I feel for that person.

He was like… in shock. He said, “Wow… wow.” He told me he has been wanting to tell me he loves me since the second week of talking to me. I was like, “ME TOO!” And we both started babbling about how we didn’t want to freak each other out, so we didn’t say anything. It was very crazy. So yeah, we finally confessed how we felt for each other. I mean, we KNEW how we felt for each other based on our actions, but neither of us had actually said “I love you” to the other.

He was crying so much when it got closer to the time to drop me off. He said he’s been looking for someone who likes/loves him for who he is for so long; for ten years, he’s said. Since he was 14. I do love him for who he is, but I love everything else about him, too. He told me he’s glad that I’m so understanding. He said that the next time I see him, he’ll be 40lbs lighter. His goal is to lose 80lbs. I told him that I don’t mind his weight, but he said that he wants to do it, for me and himself.

I had an excellent time this past weekend. He may be coming down here again in August, to stay for a weekend. I can’t wait. ^^

Anyway, in other news, I’ve been trying to get in shape, too. I’m not FAT, but I have some flab. I started jogging like… well, it’s been like three weeks now, haha. And I haven’t been very consistent, so I’m trying to work on that. Also, I’m trying to eat healthy, too. I want to learn how to cook, too. And I want to make myself bentos! The portions aren’t very big, so I’m limiting myself to how much I consume (not that I eat a lot) AND… I’ll be packing them with healthy stuff. Plus they’re really cute. ^^

Here are some sites that I was looking at that have to do with bentos:

http://www.cookingcute.com/bento_boxes_and_accessories.htm
http://stores.ebay.com/The-Bento-Store
http://www.asianutensils.com/
http://mmmbento.livejournal.com/5778.html
http://community.livejournal.com/bentolunch
http://ss-biggie.livejournal.com/
http://stores.ebay.com/Nagomi-Inc_Bento-Lunch-Box_W0QQcolZ4QQdirZ1QQfsubZ8QQftidZ2QQtZkm

I miss Mike so much. It’s so weird talking to him on the phone again.